Wednesday, May 13, 2009

My anus is the size of Neptune!

Well.. ok maybe not MY anus.. but YOUR anus is. Shit... sorry too insulting? OK OK fine Uranus is the size of Neptune.

This is my daughters last week of high school and all 7 of her teachers have slammed the seniors with projects and homework. Last night, her father and I were helping with doing her homework so she could get her 7 page math homework done so she could work on her economics project so she could get an English project done so she could go to bed before 3am. It was all about the planets. I don't know how cool and immature you parents are, but judging from the fact that you keep reading my blog, I'd say you have the same problem I do.. you have a 14 year old boy inside you. Oh shit that come out wrong. What I mean is you have the mentality of a 14 year old boy.

Each time we came across a question about Uranus my hubby and I couldn't help but crack jokes and laugh hysterically at each of them.

I would read Hubs the question and though he knows everything is very smart, he would double check the the book to make sure he was right. Now when you read the word Uranus, you know its a planet. But to hear it read aloud, and depending on your maturity level, whatever you may be drinking spews from your nose. For instance, my opener. The multiple choice question I read to Hubs was, "Which of the following planets is similar to Uranus in terms of its mass and size." I couldn't even get the sentence out because I was laughing like one of those damn hyenas in "Who Framed Roger Rabbit." So of course he starts laughing and I warned him that his answer had better be Pluto, (its the smallest in case you forgot) because remember.. this is MY anus we're talking about., not yours. The answer of course, is Neptune.

Another multiple choice question was "A gas giant with a distinctive blue-green color indicating the presence of methane in it's helium and hydrogen atmosphere." Well.. common sense tells you that your anus contains a LOT of methane gas, so there you have your answer. ~~~Snicker~~~ Your anus is a gas giant.. DUH!
Hubs says.. "You know, I never imagined the gasses to be blue green, I'd thought they be more brownish"

After about an hour of this, our sides splitting, guts hurting and daughter rolling her eyes and telling us to grow up, Hubs declared "This is becoming anal". I lost it again, they pointed and laughed at my jello-belly as it jiggled while I was in a non-stop laughing fit. At least it got a workout.

Some other hysterical (to me anyway) facts about this great planet:
It has rings (I wonder if they will also discover beads)

Uranus is the only planet called by a Greek name rather than a Roman name (Is this because it was thought Greeks were assholes?)

You can see Uranus with the unaided eye (But can the unaided brown eye see?)

Uranus has only been visited once (THAT one is a lie! Many have visited again and again whether you are going to admit it or not!)

Uranus has 27 moons (Here I thought it only had one of its own.)

Uranus is turned over on its side (you know for easier access)

Uranus is the coldest planet (Really? I thought it'd be the warmest one)

Other questions that cracked me up:

"What is outgassing?" Of course I, like you, immediately blurted "FARTING" Although its a great answer, apparently it's not the one they wanted. It is actually the process responsible for forming Earth's early atmosphere.

The early oceans became salty when:
my answer was Adam and Eve went swimming and had to pee.

The least dense planet in the solar system is Saturn. (does this mean the other planets are stupid?)

Neptune's and Jupiter's Spots are (their G-spots?)
Fine they are storms. My answer was better.

I hope you enjoyed the perversion on planetary science. I know I did

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Sass said...

In our school district, there has apparently been a movement (snicker) to stop referring to it as Uranus...the pronunciation we all know and love.

It's now called pronounced as urine-us.

Funny sh*t either way.

Mike said...

How is star trek and toilet paper similar?

They both circle uranus looking for klingons.


Shawn said...

LOL...your daughter's going to be revisited by all of these jokes in the middle of class and everyone's going to wonder why she's laughing.

Queenie said...

It's really early for me. and I read it as

my anus is the site of Neptune... I rushed over here to see what the hell had happened..

darsden said...

LOL, I would have been right there with ya'll cracking them jokes...your daughter would have probably stomped out the room at some point with me there..LOL

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Suburbia Steph said...

Funny...totally the same shit my husband & I would do....huh-huh-huh....she said Uranus...huh-huh-huh....

Yeah, we're SO mature like that!

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dizz said...

Yep.. no matter how they try to candy coat it.. it is still going to sound hilarious and kids will still laugh.. stupid schools

dizz said...

I just KNEW you would have a great comment regarding your favorite subject!

Recent blog post: My anus is the size of Neptune!

dizz said...

You know her OH so well but yet you've never met! I wish I could be there to watch

Recent blog post: My anus is the size of Neptune!

dizz said...

Didn't mean to scare you, after you have more booze.. come back and read the rest ;)

Recent blog post: My anus is the size of Neptune!

dizz said...

BELEVE me, as much as she rolled her eyes and called us immature and asked us how old we were, I am surprised she didn't leave!

Recent blog post: My anus is the size of Neptune!

dizz said...

I just KNEW we weren't the only immature asses out there! It was so much fun!

Recent blog post: My anus is the size of Neptune!

Scandalous Housewife said...

Pervy science is the ONLY way I roll!

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Douglas said...

Apologies to your husband but I'll be thinking about uranus all day. That's right, girl.

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dizz said...

Somehow I knew that. Too funny

Recent blog post: My anus is the size of Neptune!

Quirkyloon said...

LMAnusO! heh heh heh

Funny GF! are a brave one! I saw and read your blog review. I admire your courage to go under the axe! make me laugh...all the time! *smile*

Chris said...

Haha oh Dizz - you've just taken me back to my days in primary school. The memories. The uncontrollable laughter. The silent but violent farting. God I miss those days.

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SheBloggs said...

Hahaha.. I like you revamp of the solar system.. and greeks can be assholes..LOL

Stacy said...

"What is outgassing?" Pull my finger and find out.

Astronomy would have been way more fun if you'd been the teacher.

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ReformingGeek said...

That poor planet has such a bad rep. Maybe it needs a few piercings to boost self-confidence.

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blognut said...

Yup. I'm just as big a child as you are 'cause this shit just makes me laugh everytime!

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Slyde said...

Last week of high school?

its mid May, for god sakes? where the hell do you guys live? Around here school never lets out till late June!

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Otin said...

I wonder if we made a space craft out of ex-lax, could we pass easily through Uranus? LOL

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dizz said...

They normally get out in June here too, but seniors get lucky and get off three weeks early :)

This is her daughter, by the way :D

Recent blog post: My anus is the size of Neptune!

dizz said...

No apologies needed... I just won't tell him

Recent blog post: My anus is the size of Neptune!

dizz said...

awwww thanks hun! It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. You know you are one of my favs too GF

Recent blog post: My anus is the size of Neptune!

dizz said...

I don't miss it... I've never stopped it. Why grow up?

Recent blog post: My anus is the size of Neptune!

dizz said...

At least you learned something in a funny way! I've never known any Greeks.. thanks for confirming my suspicions

Recent blog post: My anus is the size of Neptune!

dizz said...

I dunno.. with all of the impact craters.. it might not be able to handle any more penetrations

Recent blog post: My anus is the size of Neptune!

dizz said...

HA! Great idea.. you should run that by NASA

Recent blog post: My anus is the size of Neptune!

dizz said...

THAT is a great joke. I would have probably been fired if I was a teacher

Recent blog post: My anus is the size of Neptune!

dizz said...

I feel we were separated at birth!

Recent blog post: My anus is the size of Neptune!

Marissa said...

I loved this post and everyone's comments! I can still remember my Science teacher being so serious when we talked about Uranus. I wonder if he went home afterwards and laughed his ass off.

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surveygirl46 said...

GAWD that was funny...Did u ever see JackAsses when it was on cable? There is a town called Mianus Conneticut; that's all i'll say, it's probably on You Tube....brought back memories of Uranus....LOL

dizz said...

Thank you I had a LOT of fun writing it. I bet your teacher went to the bar, got drunk and had anal conversations

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dizz said...

I did not see that episode.. my God I would hate to live there!

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