Tired of telemarketers and/or bill collectors?

Try this

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly being certain to touch the table and counting to 10 between each press.

If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Please stay on the line until we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, please listen carefully until the voices tell you which number to press.

If you are borderline, it doesn't matter which number you press-- no one will answer.

If you are manic-depressive, please press 7 as fast as you can for the next 24 hours, and then crash for the following 24 hours.

If you have bipolar affective disorder, please leave a message after the beep and before the beep and after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to a worthless person like you.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have ADD, wander away from the phone and start another task.

If you believe you are the Antichrist, please press the number six three times, you beast you

If you suffer from generalized anxiety disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you suffer from social phobia, please hang up and go to a party.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 911.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Hotline.
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I found this on the internet a long time ago and put it a shortened version on my home answering machine It gave my friends a laugh, but also kept the telemarketers and bill collectors at bay. For for tips on how to deal with these people, see Dumbass Telemarketer.