Thank you for calling, please listen up

After many years of experience at being a magnificent customer service rep, I have compiled some helpful tips to make MY experience a better one. Because you see, I don't give a shit whether or not YOU had a good experience, I might be the only person you have to deal with today, but I have to deal with a ton of people just like you on a daily basis and I do not want to be pissed off the rest of the day because you can not follow simple voice commands.

1. When I answer the phone, "Hi my name is Wickedly Cool CSR, How can I help you?", it is polite to say "Hello, here is what I need." Even if you know I will ask for an account number, don't spew it out, that is just plain RUDE. There have been times when I say "How can I help you?" and I get "6748367" in return. That doesn't tell me how I can help you. I want to yell "BINGO!" Instead.. I say "Oooooooooooook and how can I help you? You tell me what you need, I discover I don't need the number you just gave me BEFORE I spent 10 minutes getting the same info from you that is contained within the reference number (weird that it is called a REFERENCE number)

2. No need to spend 20 minutes explaining why you called. Really. I don't care. I know what I do and basically what you need, work with me and we can get through this with minimal brain damage and aggravation

3. If I ask for your name, PLEASE give me YOUR first AND last name. Not under whom the account is listed. We have a standard form that we have to fill out. I PROMISE I know how to do my job if you will just listen at what you perceive as dribble that comes out of my pie hole, I will get everything I need from you.

4. Please don't ask if I HAVE to repeat certain things. The answer is ALWAYS yes. I am REQUIRED to be a parrot. Do you really think if I didn't HAVE to that I would? NO I want to get you off of my line as soon as possible.

5. If I asked a Yes or No question, a 15 second diatribe by you is not necessary. I don't need to know WHY the answer is yes or no, so if by chance you have sufficiently answered, I will continue with my questioning talking over you not listening to everything else as you are babbling.

6. Do NOT talk over me. You will miss some interesting shit that I am required to give you.

7. PAY ATTENTION! It is really annoying when I am talking, ask you if that is correct, you reply with "Huh? Oh yeah that's correct." I want to say "How do the fuck you know if what I just said is correct, you weren't fucking listening" Instead, I continue, because on the recorded line, you said it was correct.. it's all on you now buddy!

8. Don't talk to other people in the office at the same time you are talking to me, that is plain disrespectful and confusing. I don't know if you are talking to me or the idiots in the background cussing like sailors.

9. Hitting on me isn't going to get you anywhere. I don't like you, this isn't a dating service.

10. Have something to write with and on near you the whole time we are conversing, I don't care if it's a crayon, pencil, marker, pen, stick and sand, blood (yours or someone else's). Haven't you learned by now that you are ALWAYS given a reference number or ticket number or trouble ticket or WHATEVER. Don't make me wait for you to dig for a writing utensil. Don't make me repeat the number because you weren't ready, it's very annoying.


Thanks for calling BUH BYE!