Friday, February 13, 2009

TGI*FFF


This has been one hell of a full moon week. How appropriate that it ends on Friday the 13th. Something tells me that I should have just stayed in bed today, but then I thought naaaaaaaaaaah fuck it!


Anyway, my brain is fried, so I leave you with a lame joke post. If you know the punchline, please, keep it to yourself ;P If you haven't seen it before I hope it gives you a chuckle.



Lizard Birthing
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through
the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead
goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD !

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me
there was 'something wrong' with one of the two
lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm
serious, Dad. Can you help?'

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and
followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards
was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I
immediately knew what to do.
'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'
'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed.

'She's having
babies.'
'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are
Bert and Ernie, Mom!'
I was equally outraged.
'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.
'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this
sarcastically!)
'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I
reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet
voice, while gritting my teeth).
'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.
'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you
know,' she informed me (Again with the
sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see
what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make
the best of it.
'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,'
I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle
of birth.'
'Oh, gross!' they shrieked
'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do
with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted
to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what
looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing
a scant second later.
'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.
'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.
'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.
'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.
It disappeared. I tried several more times with the
same results.
'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to
know.
'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You
see a
pattern here with the females in my house?)
'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to
the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.
'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to
him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I
mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy
is of her womb, for Goodness' sake.).
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested
scientifically.
'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs.
Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.
'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not
in labor. In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. .
Ernie is a
boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And
occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male species, they um . . um . . masturbate. Just
the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed,
glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
'So, Ernie's just, just . . . excited,' my wife offered.
'Exactly,' the vet replied , relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to
giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not
believing that the woman I married would commit
the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that . .
I'm picturing you pulling on its . .. . its. . . teeny little '
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once
more.
'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and

hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back
into
the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,'
he told me.
'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing
with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:
Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
Lizards lay eggs!














*finally fucking Friday

14 comments:

Beth said...

I needed that! Funny joke!

dizzblnd said...

it is one of my favorites

sassafrasjunction said...

I haven't laughed so hard since George Bush first took office. Thanks for the spray of coffee now on my monitor -- hilarious!

Ann's Rants said...

Oh lord. Lizard pee pees? xo

Ann

Under the Influence said...

I'm calling PETA. Molesting a lizard is just WRONG! :)

Holly Hall said...

ok, I had promised myself NO MORE NEW BLOGS in my life.

yet here this blog is, so funny, so mom, so awesome.

I am now a follower.

you and your son who had to scoop out the septic tank.

o lord!!!

:)

dizzblnd said...

Sass: I'm glad I could help, please don't send me the repair bill

Ann: now you've seen it all huh?

Jo: It is wrong but makes for a hlarious joke

Holly: Thank you so much, I like new stalkers.. I thought I stalked you already.. but I don't.. I will know Thanks again :)

SkylersDad said...

I loved that story!

dizzblnd said...

WYD: I knew it was right up your alley ;)

ReformingGeek said...

Yeah. That's about all my brain can take today!

Thanks for the laugh!

dana wyzard said...

Here I am, queen of all knowledge, knowing that lizards lay eggs, so I HAD to know what was going on. . . or going up. . . or . . . nevermind.

dizzblnd said...

RG: Yup I'm completely brain dead I'm glad I could give you a laugh

Dana LMAO You're too funny

Tamara said...

OMW... so funny! I was thinking, "I thought they laid eggs" the whole way through reading that.

Hehehehe...

shelly said...

Oh god, thanks for the laugh. That was funny! I too was thinking, don't they egg their young..well not 'Egg their young' lol..lay eggs?? What would I do with out you?

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