Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Public Service Announcement # 3857

Here are a few tips if you ever buy an upright carpet cleaner for your home.

1. Do NOT let anyone know you have one. You will NEVER get to use it on your own carpets.

2. If you let it slip that you DO have one, when anyone asks to borrow it, tell them someone else has it (make up a name) this way, they can't go bug a mutual friend (who also doesn't know you have one) to hurry up and be done with it. Then you are not caught in a lie and do not have to loan it out.

3. When that person who asks to borrow it walks in an sees it sitting there, tell them it's broken.

4. When they don't believe you and you cave in and let them use it, ask them twice a day if they are done with it yet, otherwise it will be a month (or more) until you get it back again.

5. While it is out of your possession, make sure you do not eat, drink or walk in the carpeted areas, for this is the ONLY time you will spill stuff or kids drag in mud, or animals will piss, shit, or puke on your carpet.

6. Do NOT under ANY circumstances loan it to your less-than-mechanically inclined father who breaks everything he touches while trying to clean or fix something. Your machine WILL come back broken.

7. When you FINALLY get it back, don't question him as to why it's ducted taped. He will explain to you that it needed a good cleaning and when he did, he discovered the seal was shot. (What he won't tell you is that instead of unscrewing the machine to clean it, he thought it should just pop off, so that's what he did and THAT'S why it's duct taped.) Thanks Dad

8. Once get to use it, get husband to re-duct tape it because your dad did a half-assed job and the damn thing doesn't suck the chrome off a trailer hitch like you remembered before you opened your big mouth and everyone else has clean carpets.

9. Make sure you pre-treat all of the above mentioned stains because you didn't heed my advice that I so kindly laid out for you in #5.

10. This last one is VERY important. Not only will it save you a LOT of time, but it will keep you from looking like an ass in front of your family. DON'T SPEND AN HOUR TRYING TO CLEAN A STAIN THAT WON'T COME CLEAN, BECAUSE GUESS WHAT.... YOU CAN'T CLEAN A SHADOW

That's right folks.. I spent an hour on and off Sunday afternoon scrubbing, spraying and cussing at a shadow caused by a cord hanging out of a drawer. NO, I DIDN'T notice that the "stain" showed up on my skin as I was trying to scrub it off of the carpet each of the 6 times I tried to remove it. It was only after I tucked the cord in to shut the drawer, so that I could get at it better did the stain magically disappear. Needless to say, I laughed my self into a hiccup induced coma and my kids had me Baker acted.


Chele said...

Hahahaha that is hilarious

ReformingGeek said...

Oops! That's funny.

We have a slightly different problem. Mom somehow labeled our utility room as "large" so she let me "borrow" the carpet cleaner and to "just keep it over there in your large utility room". Uh huh. Now we can't get rid of it.

Under the Influence said...

This is too funny! I just borrowed my neighbor's carpet shamppoer last week. I promise not to keep it for a month. And I do have EVERY intention of buying one for myself.

Now about that shadow. That area of the carpet must be super clean now and you have a "clean spot" instead of a stain. Now get to work on the rest of the carpet so it's as clean as the clean spot!

Mary Moore said...

Very good points. I rarely even vacuum, so I don't think I'll be having that problem anytime in the near future.

The Queen said...


carpet cleaner magic solution:
1/4 bleach
1/4 Mr Clean with Fabreese
fill with water...

Will turn your upright into a magic carpet cleaner.. will even clean that shadow stain.... he he he..

SkylersDad said...

This was wonderful. My next house will have all concrete floors with a large drain in the middle of the room.

Jen said...

I haven't actually vacuumed a shadow or tried to scrub one out yet but it is something I would do if I ever actually vacuumed which I try really hard not to do.

SheBloggs said...

Oooh Patti this was so funny! I'm in desperate need of a upright carpet cleaner right now it's not funny. I never knew how much those are in need! I promise I won't ask to borrow yours..lol

And the shawdow stain!.. priceless

Poetry Sue said...

oh man... I laughed my self silly sitting at my desk when I read that last part... why? becuase I have done it before.

Lee of MWOB said...

I hate to ask you this....but uh.....can I borrow your carpet cleaner??

Just a Blogger said...

On the bright side (no pun intended) at least the carpet is clean in that area. Do you need to clean the rest of the room now to make it as clean as that spot? That's the thing I hate about carpet cleaners, once you start you can't stop!

Anna Lefler said...

LOL! If there's one thing I don't need, it's friend who run my cool carpet cleaner into the ground and then try to pawn it off on me covered in duct tape.


Great post!

:^) Anna

Gone Crazy said...

Have you been spying on me? Do you have any idea how many times I've tried to clean/repair something because I'm delusional!?!?

No one asks to borrow our carpet cleaner, but then again, I never told anyone I had it. I guess I was clever without even knowing it. That's a first.

Thanks for making me laugh today!

dizzblnd said...

Chele.. it's funny cause you can SOOOOOOOOOOOOO see yourself doing that huh? LOL

RG.. just wait.. if somefinds you have it you will NEVER see it again

Jo.. You don't know how right you are.. so I moved the filing cabinet on top of it now no one knows.. except for you all of course

Mary.. then I think you are free and clear of doing something stupid maybe

Queen... I always want to put bleach in my carpet cleaner, but the carpet is beige.. I am afraid I would ruin it.. nevermind I KNOW i would ruin it

WYD.. that is the BEST idea ever.. hmmm you may be on to something

Jen... I try to avoid ALL housework at all costs.. unfortunately, so does everyone in my house

dizzblnd said...

Shaurna.. well mine is......um ..... broken anyway, I mean I let Jane borrow it. I am glad my stupidity makes people laugh.. it's great!

Sue.. have you really? Oh THANK you for making feel better I was SURE I was the only one

Lee.. um... yeah... about that... I gave it to Billy jo bob.. go ask him

Anna.Just don't loan it to my dad and you should be ok.. I am glad you enjoy

Gone .. actually, I did have a spy cam in each and every room of your house

dani c said...

Dizz it's sooo true. I swear I bought mine and saw it once. Now, I believe the neighbor's sister;s brother inlaw's cousin's Mom has it now !!!

HumorSmith said...

I always find it best to let any shadows I find stay dirty.

ettarose said...

I am so thankful I don't have but one neighbor. They think they are better than me so they would not borrow air.

Scandalous Housewife said...

Somebody broke my carpet cleaner and I've only had it for 6 months!
BTW, love your new blog look!

dizzblnd said...

Dani... I actually have yours! I AM your neighbor's sister;s brother inlaw's cousin's Mom

HS: OHHHHHHHHHHH how many dirty shadows do YOU have hmmmmmmmmmmm?

Etta; Lucky you.. I have home computer issues.. so I am doing your tag now while I am at work

SH: See.. thats just WRONG.. I hope they offered to pay for it.

Thank you, I'd like to take credit for it, but I am not a code Genius. I think it reflects me and my blog well

Tamara said...

You scrubbed a shadow? Hahahaha... That's so funny. I'm glad my floors are tiled. Or it wuold so be me!

dizzblnd said...

Tamara I shit you not.. I am glad i am not the only one to admit to doing such a thing

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