My dad , his euphenisims and a nephrectomy

My dad went into the hospital last Tuesday to have a nephrectomy.. or in layman's terms, a kidney removed. It was cancerous, but the Dr said there was no spread and since the other kidney is healthy, no need for chemo. Thank God for that!

Dad has a helluva sense of humor (another reason I know I'm not adopted) and he had everyone in pre-op and post-op in stitches.

He was in the navy for 20 years and of course he has a lot of stories, antidotes and jokes to tell. NEVER is he at a loss for one of the 3 to share at any given situation. Dad was telling a story to a male nurse Mike, who kept calling him 'sir.' My dad told him, in the Navy, if he was addressed as 'sir' he would tell them "You don't have to call me sir, I'm no better than you." After telling the story, Mike called dad 'sir' (out of respect, not to be a smartass) Of course Dad said, "Get the wax outta your ears, didn't you hear the story I just told?" Mike laughed and changed the subject. "So you're a Navy man huh? What's the matter, the Army didn't want you?" My dad took a big breath, grinned and said, "No, it's not that, I was too damned intelligent for the Army" That brought a lot of laughs. Shortly after, they knocked him out. Coincidence? I think not!

Surgery went well. After recovery, they wheeled him back to his room. The nurse were amazed! They couldn't shut him up and have never seen anything like him coming out of recovery. He was coherent, but they couldn't understand his euphemisms. They laughed politely to humor him though. They cracked up when I explained what he meant.

As you may or may not know, they starve you and "clean your pipes" before surgery. So when he woke up, he told them "I feel like your belly button is gnawing a hole in my spine", or "My stomach feels like my throat's been cut, or my asshole is eating my underwear". When they asked me I said "Oh.. he's just going around his ass to get to his elbow to say ' I'm hungry' " About this time, they were ready to move us both to the 6th floor (psychiatric ward.) He would tell a joke about 2 bulls (he told it about 4,363,855,837,363 times) but I can't remember it. I think I blocked it out.

They gave him a meal of solid foods right after the operation, which is dumb because it just blocked him up. (this hospital REALLY sucks) So after 4 days of him not being able to go #2, they decided to give him laxatives, suppositories and an enema. By yesterday he was "shitting 20 paces through a keyhole and not hitting the sides" He called me and said "I passed a BIG milestone a few minutes ago" I was laughing so hard "Is THAT what you call it?"

I brought him home last night, hopefully he won't drive my step-mother crazy.

There you have it, if you ever wondered about my humor, wonder no more.