My life on Twitter aka reasons you should be following me if you aren't already ;)

Since I have been peer pressured talked into joining Twitter, I thought I'd share some of my 460 out of and in context random tweeets and 1 sided replies. I will leave out user names. It will "say" reply if I am answering someone. Remember out of context and replies, none of it will make sense.
Should be interesting.

From the beginning:

i am a closet tweeter none of my friends know i have an account

The only thing we have to fear is tequila itself!

sitting at my desk trying not to stab myself in the eye with the closest sharp object

did you know if you slap someone while they are talking..they stop talking?

2 blonds walk into a bar.. the 3rd one ducks

never send someone who doesn't eat bagels to the store to buy you "everything" bagels.. they buy one of each kind

5 mins and I am ready to wrap my headset cord around my neck and jump from my office chair

OK OK I give. I am conforming! I am dizzblnd from soggy-doggy-bloggy. I feel so dirty!

They aren't hot flashes, they are alcohol induced high octane power surges!

They aren't gray hairs, they're silver highlights!

Its not a beard its stray armpit hair

Reply: thank you thank you very much.. I have a feeling I will REALLY be fired now. Damn new addictions sigh

mmmmmmmmm half a cup of mayo on mickey d's chicken sandwich WTF are they thinking when they do that?

You know.. I never knew how good the cookies were on the dark side until I gave up and joined twitter. mmm cookies.. never will I wait again

on the phone with a customer.. she just said "poopfart" i had to stifle a laugh.. shes advanced in her age

Reply: lol!! Poor guy. I hope the neighbors weren't to traumatized.. you KNOW they didn't SEE the wasp, just a crazy man swatting at air

so bored at work.. I am pulling out all of my silver highlights

shoulda kept my mouth shut.. now we are busier than a 1 legged man in an ass kicking contest.. sigh

oh no! I just had a screw come loose right here in the office. Not to fear though, I've seen Mcgyver.. used a paper clip to screw it back in.

People.. if you call a support line and ask for help, listen to the words that come out of their mouths. YOU called US. WE know our job!

also? If you call a place of business for the 1st time. REALLY we know our job and will get everything we need. Quit interrupting

tick tock of the clock is painful.. no seriously, it is right behind me and above my head all I hear is TICK TOCK TICK TOCK

maybe if it changed to cha-ching cha-ching! It would be more bearable

playing CoD4 on PS3.. just another of my many addictions. I need help!

Reply: but its so hard... THAT'S WHAT HE SAID!

OMG I LOVE WEEDS!

I think I love Nurse Jackie more

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. But tomorrow never comes, yesterdays gone, so live for today.

Oh time to do the SSS before I go to work oh wait.. I just did one S. now to S&S Wait no time for one of the S's oh well I'll just shower

sigh working now.. how am I supposed to tweet or blog?

they say money isn't everything, but it sure beats the hell outta whatever's in 2nd place!

I got an hour's probation due to good behavior.. otherwise known as lunch

Reply: HA! I'm a tweet hog .. YOU created this monster you can't complain ;P

Reply: if it vibrates... I want 10!

If twitter was a drug, I have already snorted too much

throwing stones at someone and calling it a meteor shower does not make it a meteor shower

begging people to leave you feedback on ebay is pathetic enough. Begging people who have already left you feedback is just plain tacky

If 1 more person gives me their zip code when I ask for area code & phone number I am wrapping my headset cord around my neck & jumping

stop the stupidity I want to get off!

"ignorance is bliss" is a lie that one blissful person told to an ignorant person

i think i need something stronger than valium

I AM smarter than my zipper

I wanna be where it is already Friday.

I know it's 5 o'clock SOMEWHERE.. by why can't somewhere be HERE?

Reply: be safe.. use a spork!

really . I CAN spell. Please dear callers.. do not spell words like "pine" and "edge". It's words like "calloosawatchahatchee" That get me

Reply: and if they don't come back, stalk them hunt them down, tie them up and beat them into submission... then they will love you

If you want to call Customer service and be an asshole.. please do so on a Monday. Do NOT ruin someones Friday. Jerk

coffee and valium for breakfast is much like drinking a jagerbomb

purse organizers are good in theory, that is providing the person using it is organized otherwise. Therefore it does me no good!

dizzblnd say.. he who has stinky thumb should find SOMETHING to do at work

for the love of all things sparkly... answer yes or no to a yes or no question. A 10 minute diatribe explaining your answer is NOT needed!

I accept the fact that everybody in this world is not as smart as I am. I love them all anyway

waiting on my f-n cafe patron and jager bomb

mmmm redheaded sluts

Reply: they r drinks don't get too excited darlin

im not as think as u drunk i am occifer

there should a pole at all bar dance floors

I have no idea what I'm doing out of bed! I should still be sleeping off a hangover

Damn Pets

need coffee and food and advil oh my

I was blogging then got distracted by shiny surveys

wal-mart secretly scans your credit card when you go in secretly controls your mind to by that much shit and suck your account dry.

"happy monday" the biggest oxymoron of all

Is it Friday at 5 yet?

people who work in customer service should not be allowed to take Mondays off

EVERYDAY CLOTHING SHOULD NOT TO BE MADE SO THAT ANOTHER PERSON HAS TO HELP YOU GET DRESSED

when I stand up and walk, it sounds like Snap Crackle and Pop have left their home in Rice Crispieville and taken up residence in my body

i'll try being nicer if these people start being smarter

Reply: LMAO that would lead me to conclude he is not the brightest crayon in the shed!

I laugh when i see the word "coworker".. I always read it as cow orker!

whatever the hell a cow orker is.. wait.. that sounds kinda dirty I might not want to go there

i was going to take just 1 valium, then i thought, WOW they're small.. better take 4

my head feels like a 2 year old is throwing a temper tantrum inside it

is it bad that it is not even 10 yet and I am already tired of being nice?

Sign seen in St Augustine this weekend "We have enough Fountain of Youth, how about a Fountain of Smart"

do I dress so horribly the rest of the week that I put on a simple dress and I look "fabulous" and "all dressed up" to my co-workers? GAH

if it moves and shouldn't.. duct tape, if it should move and doesn't W-D 40

y do auto part store clerks laugh when I ask them if they carry a 710 cap? it looks like this

my check engine light came on in my car, I checked the engine, it's still there now what? the lights still on.

if i thought that I would get my keyboard at work replaced in less than a month becausemy spacebar sticks, iwould report it

Lays needs to stop putting cocaine in their Doritos. I have eaten 3 small bags in the last hour

if I take an Ambien and wash it down with 3 red bulls, will I fall asleep faster?

Reply LMAO @ Nick the Dick. I can't think of anything else either.. are we perverts or what?

thunderstorm @ night = no sleep even w/ambien & 3 red bulls go figure

i've just talked to the most impossible man on the phone. That's saying a LOT. I've talked to a million impossible men in my life

Reply: lol I read it 2 quickly. thought you said HEAD injury.. I then remember hubs was home then read again and saw HAND I'm dirty

hemorrhoids are a pain in the ass.... especially when that ass is mine grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

This is sad. I go from tweeting to commenting on blog posts and I am trying to limit my comments to 140 characters. Addicted? Just a tad

There you are .. all caught up.. that is if you read it all