Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Is that an evil monkey in your closet or your parents having sex?


When I was a child, my room was right next to my parents room. I heard noises that scared the hell out of me. I had such an imagination that I thought there were wild monkeys outside, or that there were ghosts in my room. I remember pulling the covers over my head, burying my head in my pillow, plugging my ears until they went away.

I got married when I was 19 and had 2 kids by the time I was 20 so I couldn't keep my legs closed know what sex sounds like. One day, when I was about 25 or so, I was talking to my dad. Somehow we started talking about my childhood and my fears. I told him how I used to bury my head in my pillows because I thought evil monkeys were in my closet (or outside) or that my room was haunted. He grinned ear from ear and said "You mean to tell me you are 25, have 2 kids of your own and STILL haven't figured out that what you heard was your mother and I?"

I had to have years therapy after that. My doctor says I am doing well and the permanent look of horror on my face and spontaneous shuddering should be gone by the time I am 50.

please vote for me

42 comments:

Beth said...

Your parents had SEX? Jeez!

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dizz said...

Welll I guess I COULD be the result of immaculate conception call me Jesusa lol

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Sass said...

I fully BELIEVE I was the result of immaculate conception. I'm arrogant that way. ;)

dizz said...

I think we all believe that.. shudders again at the thought

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danielle cegielski said...

oh that's too funny !!

Mike said...

Parents don't have sex. Their genitals drop off afther their last kid.

End of story.

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Ann said...

That is hilarious, and if you didn't have people's vote already you damn sure should now ;)

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The Queen said...

well now I totally understand the picture,, and all the booze,, I thought you were just a lush.. but then,,I read this and see that you had a tragic childhood... you are excused. Please return to your regular drinking...

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Jo said...

Now that makes me laugh. I walked in on my parents once. EWWWWW!

My oldest's room is right next to ours, but luckily his closet is against our wall. Hopefully that will be a good buffer zone!

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Douglas said...

Sorry, I'm a little lost. Your parents had sex with monkeys?

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ReformingGeek said...

No way. Our parents? I'm calling my therapist.

Fortunately, I never walked in on them or heard them (that I can remember) but I saw my mom's diaphragm on the bathroom counter one time. I didn't know what it was until much later, though. EEEWWWW!

Mrs. Hall said...

yeah, my daughter has twice commented on the noise. The first time she came rushing in, saying, 'mommy are you okay???' look of panic on her face.

the second time she just yelled out from her room, she said, "WHY ARE YOU GUYS LAUGHING??? I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!!!".

very demanding and cute the little girl. Let's hope the fun doesn't morph into monkey nightmars. And yes, I would also have a look of horror on my face until I turned fifty if I figured out what you figured out when you did. :)

good luck!

dizz said...

That's a good story.. maybe one I can stick to and believe

dizz said...

Thanks Ann.. still doesn't beat "Children of the Cornflakes" though ;)

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dizz said...

I KNEW I could make you understand my pain ;)

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dizz said...

or.. you can do like we do and just turn the TV up.. distracting yes.. but at least they won't be traumatized forever

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Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Oh god. I dread the day one of my kids let's us know s/he heard us. That's the reason why I always make moaning noises whenever I enter the bedroom, so they're never really sure what's going on at any point in time. Yes, I am saving my pennies for their therapy bills.

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dizz said...

not JUST monkies.. evil ghost monkies.. try to keep up huh?

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dizz said...

ugh.. I don't even know what one looks like... but my husband is here because the dog chewed a hole in his mom's diaphragm

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dizz said...

Kids are so funny when they have no clue what was going on.. wait until they teenagers they will be telling you to get a room!

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dizz said...

thanks for laughing at my tortured childhood ;)

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dizz said...

BRILLIANT idea! I never would thought of it

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Marissa said...

I'm glad your spontaneous shuddering will end. I still have facial tics. My parents had 8 kids, so they had a full on jungle playground going on.

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darsden said...

too funny and I haven't had a spine shudder like that in a long time...eeewwww! funny though evil monkeys.. I have night mares about those damn sock monkeys!

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Scandalous Housewife said...

La, la, la, Dad! I can't hear you!!!

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Quirkyloon said...

Well Dizzie it could have been worse!

Actually, I'm wrong.

That IS the worst!

heh heh

Skylers Dad said...

I saw a guy on Comedy Central doing a standup routine about that. He was saying nobody wants to imagine their parents doing it, and if so, only the one time they had you and that was it! Then he wrapped the mic cord around his hands like he was tied up and said nobody wants to imagine this! Whip me you stallion!!

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Shawn said...

I had evil monkeys in the walls, too. Except I really did. No seriously. My parents would never...nuh uh.

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dizz said...

OMG! I couldn't imagine the noises LALALALALLALALALA

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dizz said...

the sock monkeys creep me out too.. stupid things

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dizz said...

Believe me.. I will do that next time!

Recent blog post: Is that an evil monkey in your closet or your parents having sex?

dizz said...

what's your parents' phone number? I'm gonna give them a call and make them tell you all about the night you were made hehehehe

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dizz said...

I have seen that! It was way funny! I can't remember who it was though.

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dizz said...

That's a nice river you are living on! Can I join you?

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MadMadMargo said...

My parent only had sex 3 times! Fortunately, I was at my grandmother's when they tripped the light fantastic 2 of those times. Ewww, this is creepin' me out!

dizz said...

I'm sorry to dredge up such horrifying images for us all..

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ettarose said...

Dizz, my husband hates it when I tell him his momma gave his daddy blow jobs at will. I am so mean like that.

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dizz said...

That's hilarious I will have to remember that .... its fun to pick on your spouse like that.. but the minute they turn the tables.. it's all about the denial!

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andsitgone46 said...

That was SO familiar in a collective soul sort of way. My torture was seeing my grandparents naked, standing like mismatched bookends, when I entered the wrong room one day...OMG, i loved that, i know what you mean about therapy, i check my body daily for signs of a UNIboob

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dizz said...

ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww that's even worse!!! Blech

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blognut said...

This made me snort!

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Chris said...

Ha ha. Classic. Brings back memories of when I was 14, in the 'discovery' phase, and I start hearing my newly appointed step-monster and my dad banging on walls and screaming. It was horrific. Literally horrific. In fact, I know feel a little sick again.

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