Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Calling in sick....


I got this in my email. I have seen it a few times, but it ALWAYS cracks me up.
Brings a whole new meaning to the term "pussy whipped"

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little
kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. 'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'

'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'

'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'

There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the
sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leaped at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'

*One day I'll be able to reply "Right animal, wrong organ" *I just put that part in there

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

19 comments:

Under the Influence said...

I am CRACKING UP!

dana said...

I never get tired of reading that joke. Face it, NOTHING is funnier than the view of a man from the back when he bends over. Funny? Nah. Nauseating. When my husband is turning on the shower, he can always hear me saying "Bahhhhhhhh" from the view.

ReformingGeek said...

Hilarious!

You'd think guys would learn not to parade around the house naked in the first place.

dizzblnd said...

JO: I read it again and STILL laughed

Dana: Yeah.. the back of a guys funbags are quite ugly

RG: Yeah.. but these ARE men we are talking about

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Too funny!

Quirkyloon said...

ROFLMBO!

Dizzie Sweetest? Don't be hatin' but I (bats eyelashes) MEMED you!

Shawn said...

I don't like it.

dizzblnd said...

Mary: I You could use the laugh!

QL: Gee Thanks.. I mean.. thats great free blog fodder yada yada yada

bernthis said...

I'm sorry, I was laughing too. I still am, sorry to tell you. That is one of those stories that paramedics tell over and over again...sorry again, but they do.

Hope your jewels are doing okay

SkylersDad said...

One of the all time classics! Love it.

dizzblnd said...

Jessica: I hope he covered quickly as well.. I don't even have funbags of thoses type and it makes me cringe

Chris: you only enjoy it because it didn't happen to you ;)

The Queen said...

Where the hell do you get this stuff girl?? You made my day..cause you have to remember.. I am an EMT..and we do see some crazy shit..

After 11 years of it,, sometimes I just look at the person, and while I'm doing my very best to ease their pain.. I'm really thinking.. You stupid fu%$, how the hell did you do that to yourself..

dizzblnd said...

Queen: You should blog about some of your stupid fuck patients.. THAT would make for good reading

Bee said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!

I never read forwards I'm sent via email so I'd actually never read this.

dizzblnd said...

BEE: SEEEEEEEEEEEE SOMETIMES YOU MISS SOME GOOD SHIT! damn caps lock

Julia@SometimesLucid said...

THAT IS ONE OF THE FUNNIEST THINGS I HAVE EVER SEEN!!!

Me-Me King said...

HILARIOUS!!! I'm still wiping the tears, but at least I'm up off the floor now. TOO FUNNY!!!

The Real Life Fairy Tale Princess said...

lmao... I had not gotten this one!
(or maybe I did and it had that dreaded "FWD" attached to it, which is like a biohazard sign to me screaming "pointless sh** you don't want to waste time reading")

On one hand... I could read them from now on so I don't miss awesome stories like this. On this otherhand, you open it and let me know if it's any good.

:D

dizzblnd said...

Julia: I'm glad I could tickle your funny bone

Margo: I hope you didn't hurt yourself

Princess: Deal, Maybe I'll entitle them "I open forwards so you don't have to!"

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